Feature Story: Surviving Suicide
July 12, 2010 by Lori Mitchell
- Surviving Suicide
Many of you know my story. You know that just over one year ago, I received a phone call that nobody should ever have to receive. My boyfriend Richard’s brother was on the other end, and as he said the words that changed my life forever, I didn’t think I would ever be able to take another breath without the crushing pain in my chest. “Richard took his life this afternoon.” Words that will always cause instant sadness for me. If his death was a mathematical formula, it would be expressed as Grief-squared. But since his life and my subsequent year cannot be reduced to something as cold as a formula, I need to find other ways to describe this past year. I am writing this story, not just as a way of dealing with my grief, but also to help others who have struggled, are struggling, or will struggle in the future with this type of life altering trauma.
Total numbness followed by overwhelming, chest-crushing grief where I tell God there is no reason for me to live either without him. Followed by the need to tell someone but feeling embarrassed and ashamed. Like it was my fault he died. And at the same time, wanting to protect his memory. After all, won’t people think badly of him if they knew he killed himself?
The first couple days were a blur of funeral arrangements and phone calls. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to tell people. As I said earlier, I was a little embarrassed and a little ashamed, and at the same time I wanted to protect him. Before Richard died, I had always thought of suicide as an act of cowardice and the most selfish thing a person could ever do. Now I know better, and I would challenge anybody to accuse Richard of selfishness. You see, Richard was the most giving person I ever knew and he would have NEVER intentionally hurt me or his mom in this way. But would our friends get that? Would they see it that way? These thoughts just swirled through me. I was also afraid people would blame me. I mean, what kind of girlfriend can’t love her boyfriend enough to love him through his demons? Why didn’t I know he was going to do this? Why didn’t I get him the help he needed? Why didn’t I know what words to say that might have made a difference in my last conversation with him? Why didn’t I pick up on the fact that he was going to do this? The guilt was overwhelming at first, and I sometimes still have to do battle with my guilt.
I finally couldn’t hold it in anymore and I started reaching out to friends and loved ones and telling them the truth of his death. I let them know that Richard took his own life. What I discovered was surprising. I got nothing but love and support and if anybody was judging Richard harshly, they kept it to themselves. But beyond that, I found an astounding number of friends and acquaintances who are also suicide survivors. In my research I discovered that 1 out of 6 people are suicide survivors. I would have never believed that if I had not become a member of this club.
Here are things that I learned-
1. Grief is personal and situational. Don’t let anybody tell you how you should feel.
2. Grief isn’t on a timeline. If you are devastated for a few days or a few years, then that is how long you should grieve. Don’t let anybody tell you to get over it, or that you got over it too quickly. We all handle these things differently.
3. Grief support groups won’t take suicide survivors. You need to find a support group that specializes in suicide and they want you to wait 3 months.
4. Reach out to people. Most people are very supportive and loving. There will be people who are cruel and judgmental. I only ran into one and she surprised me, because I didn’t think she would be that way, avoid those people who aren’t supportive.
5. Cling as long as you need to.
6. It’s ok to get mad. I was so mad at Richard and at God. I once told Richard’s mom that if he were here I’d kill him for doing this to us! I was really mad at God too. After several months I went back to church and my pastor told me that it was ok to be mad God. That God is a big boy and He can handle it. Once I had “permission” to be mad, I got over my mad.
I discovered that writing and researching helped me a lot. My friend Carolyn sent me a box of books on dealing with sudden death. These books really helped me realize that I was not going insane, that in fact I was sane and was supposed to be feeling like I was.
My pastor’s wife and dear friend Cheryl gave me a beautiful journal that I was able to pour my feelings into. I have a collection of journals, but just having one that was given to me with so much love and support that I could use strictly for writing about Richard and his death was a gift with more meaning than even I could have predicted.
I want to suggest these resources for those who are dealing with this situation and those who God forbid may have to go through it in the future:
www.suicide.org – This group has a support forum just for those who have lost a loved one to suicide. You have to apply and tell them a little something about your loved one. I never posted on the board but I read it daily for many, many months and went back to it Friday on the one year anniversary of his death.
A Fierce Goodbye: Living in the Shadow of Suicide by G. Lloyd Carr and Gwendolyn C Carr. My pastor turned me on to this book. It deals with the spiritual aspects of suicide. I really struggled with this because I had always believed suicide was a sin. Reading this book really helped me deal with this and showed me why this is not necessarily the case.
www.fiercegoodbye.com a website that grew from the book is full of invaluable information on dealing with suicide and how to be a survivor. There are tips and inspiration and resources.
If you are dealing with this situation and need somebody to talk to, please contact me or somebody you trust to talk to. It is imperative that you reach out and let others love you through it.
RIP Richard Roy Tarailo. I love you and miss you more than you could have ever imagined. I pray that you have found the peace that you so desperately needed here on earth. I know that someday we will have the chance to deal with this together.
Comments (18)
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Wow, Lori, I am so sorry. I had no idea…I pray for Richard and hope he has found peace as well…You are very kind in sharing your grief and knowledge that you learned along the way…God Bless You
Lori, thanks so much for sharing this. Until now I didn’t realize that’s what happened to Richard.
I’m so sorry that it happened to you- and to him.
My step daughter took her own life when she was 17 years old. It was hard to deal with and I still blame myself for alot of things that happened before that- and the “what ifs” just won’t stop no matter how hard I try- and it’s been since 1993.
I tell myself that I couldn’t have changed the outcome- she had made up her mind and that was that. But I still wonder.
Again- thank you for sharing, and for sharing the information to find help.
Take care Sweet Lady.
Mary
Wonderful advise. I dealt with two in two years of people close to me. There is so much guilt attached to this sort of death-and shame from that. For 5 years I just shoved my feelings down, it wasn’t healthy. It also manifested itself in irrational decisions associated with other relationships I had. I feared others close to me would do the same. I really was slightly temporarily insane in some ways.
Then I was at a funeral of someone I barely knew and was weeping like it was my BFF.
It all started flooding out. So I wish I would have just dealt with it and reached out to the right people.
Suicide changed my life-and in some ways to the better. I know that might sound weird and I don’t wish dealing with it to anyone.
But one thing I did was learn to let go better, and to prioritize relationships.
I ended two long term relationships knowing, I had held on to them too long, trying to heal these two people. I am a healer by nature. It’s a double edged sword.
Oh, thanks Lori for all the reaching out, and being open about this with me. I think it is so important to know that others feel just like we have. You are so special to me as a friend. Your open honesty in a few areas we have in common has meant the world to me.
Thank you Laurie, that means that this story has done what it was meant to do. I found it a lot easier to deal with my feelings and emotions once I found out that I wasn’t actually insane, but that I was completely normal and my emotions were completely normal.
Thank you Lori. This account of suicide so sums up what we feel. We want everyone to know that our family member, Bob, was not a selfish man, and that there was nothing those who were closest to him could have done differently to prevent this.
Lori, This is a great story, especially for those who have gone thru this like you. Today I posted a verse from Psalm 42:5 on FB that now seems appropriate for you and other readers. How God knows we need Him and His word to encourage each other is amazing to me. God bless you, JoAnn
I saw that verse on your facebook and thought it was incredibly appropriate. Thank you for your kind words and for being a vessel for the message.
Thank you Ellen. It is important to understand that suicide is not a selfish act and to know that we can never fully understand what drove our loved ones to do this. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sometimes they just have to go, just can’t stay.
Sometimes there is just no way to achieve peace here on earth. I don’t understand it, but someday when Richard and I are together again, he will explain it to me.
Mary,
I totally understand what you mean. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t go through the “what ifs” and it’s important that we do because that is the only way we can forgive ourselves. I always tell people that I know in my head that I couldn’t have changed the outcome, but convincing my heart of it, is something altogether different.
Thank you Holly for the kind words. It has been hard for me to admit how he died, and I didn’t share it with a lot of people at the time, but now it’s time. I don’t know why God had me go through this, but if I can help just one other person then it will have been worth it.
That being said, if he were alive I’d have to kill him. He put you through way too much.
But if her were alive I wouldn’t have gone through this hell. Thank you my daughter, I raised you right!
My aunt commited suicide on her birthday in March 1997. I felt like I was somehow responsible because I was supposed to pick her up and bring her to see my mom the day before. Something came up and I couldn’t make the 2 hour drive to her house. When I tried calling her the next day (her birthday) there was no answer. Later that day we got a call from a cousin telling us she was gone. I carried around alot of guilt for many years before I came to terms with it. God Bless you Lori for sharing your story. You just never know if you might be the next sucide survivor.
I thought I was losing my mind and had no idea that I knew anybody else who had gone through this, so it was very comforting to me to know that I wasn’t crazy. I guess it’s just easier to deal with when you know you aren’t alone.
Hi Lori!
Wow, I am very sorry about your loss! What a tregedy!
Such a mind bender. And yes the guilt and what if’s never end (but they do diminish over time).
How would I know? I had two friends and neighbors do it within a few months of each other. Its an epidemic! I blame some factors: Improperly or overly prescribed anti-depressant medication. Isolation. Stress. Depression. I forgot:My best friends son killed himself over Christmas too! That makes three! In korea it is an epidemic because they push the kids so hard. I would like to know if there is anything we can do to prevent ONE more person from doing this in the future. My two neighbors were great guys that would give you the shirt off their backs. Fun, great guys. One bad day is all it takes. Nothing you or I could have doen. All we can do is have fun and live a full life that these guys cut short.
Stay in touch Lori!!